Getting Into Character: What I’m Scared of as a Domme & Keyholder

Usually when I have some feelings to discuss with cagedmonkey, I do just that, I discuss it with him or use our “Communication book.” I do not normally come to the blog to make him aware of some feelings I’m having BUT I honestly think this is something not only I experience. I do believe these might be some common “wife as a Keyholder or Domme” fears or worries.

I’m sure you’ve read how cagedmonkey’s horny level is at an all time high. I’ve really been teasing him and mindfucking him rather intensely over the past month. This has kicked up his fantasy thoughts and, as he says, his fantasies are getting darker and more intense… It seems like the longer he is in chastity and denied with the combination of intense teasing the more slippery that “slippery slope” becomes and the idea of a lot kinkier stuff becomes more acceptable. I guess we’ll just see, over time, how slippery that slope can actually get.

The reason I bring all that up is because as cagedmonkey’s fantasies are getting more intense, I’m finding mine are too. I’m finding a deeper dominance inside me begging to come out. Why don’t I just let it out, you ask? Well, that’s easy, fear. I’m really scared of hubby’s reaction to something I might say. I feel this want and desire to “get into character” and when he begs say to him “No, subby hubby has not earned that” or whatever but I’m afraid of sounding too harsh. I’m afraid of him thinking I’m mean. I really want to be more direct and stern rather than playful with him sometimes but I’m scared. I could sit here and describe this over and over but I think you get it. When he begs for me to let him cum, I want to say “hell no! Go do the dishes” but instead, out of fear of being mean, I say something like, “ohhh sweetie, I don’t think so… maybe later.” Which is bull crap, that’s leading him on. I guess I want him to read this and understand I want to be more definite. I want to be much more dominant. When I ask him to do something and he tells me “can I do it in a few minutes?” I want to be able to say “I asked you to do it now, if you don’t you will get punished with the paddle before work, you choose…”

Anyway, who knows if this post will piss him off or help him to know I want to be more demanding, I want to add to my dominance, I want to require more of him. I feel like I want to make him lists of things to do, daily chores or tasks. I dunno if it’s just the timing and the built up crazy horny or what… but there it is, it’s out there now. We’ll see where it goes from here I suppose.

I love you my sweet darling boy with all of my heart and soul. I will be forever here protecting you and dominating you, whichever path we choose. Whether it be the lighter domination that we have had for 15 years or whether it grows into something deeper, something more.

It’s All Sexy, Kinky Fun Until Someone Flies Over the Handlebars

I really am giggling wondering what you are all thinking after a title like that. Something like, “what could they possibly be up to… handlebars!?!?” Lol you’ll have to read to find out! πŸ™‚

Actually I’m posting this because it’s real life, it’s what actually happens while living the kinky life. We can’t stress enough how much of a regular suburban family are.

Our weekend began last night so I unlocked cagedmonkey to play a bit, mainly because I’ve been missing some naughty, naked time. Sunday night’s are my Food Network shows so while we watched 2 hours of cooking shows I was teasing him. I basically made him stay hard the entire time but not the way you think. I had decided that I would only stroke him when he was soft and as soon as he got hard I stopped touching. Each time he would get soft I would stroke him again. He was so turned on that stroking him soft ended up edging him while soft. He was so close to cumming even before his cock was hard. It was so fun for me to have a hold of his cock, teasing him.

Toward the end of Cut Throat Kitchen he was getting very over stimulated which is when he started begging me to give him a break. I guess after two hours he deserved it, huh? Haha he got his little break to have a snack and soon after we went up to bed… that’s when I allowed him to feel my pussy. I made him fuck me and I came on his cock while he was denied. We slept together naked which was awesome!

That brings us to today where I spent a good portion of the day stroking him and edging him over and over. I just love feeling his body practically melt against me while I’m quickly sneaking an edge in the kitchen while the kids play outside. Which brings me to my point, the kids were playing outside, riding bikes and pushing baby dolls in a stroller. Riding up and down our street, while I sat on the porch reading a book enjoying the sun and breeze. Every once in awhile I’d sneak in the house and edge hubby and then walk away, back outside to watch the kids.

Well that ended up getting cut short when our 6yo son was going too fast on his bike, turned his handlebars too much and crashed. I ran to meet him and he was so upset and crying. He smashed his face on the pavement and cut up his hand. This time when I headed in the house it was to wash up cuts and scrapes and bandage some wounds. Yeah, that will kill the mood real quick haha. He’s actually a very tough kid and he’s fine. It seemed much worse than it was. πŸ™‚

Anyway, that put the brakes on the sneaky kinky play. I decided we would head out for dinner and do Moe’s Monday. We love Moe’s and $5 burritos, can you beat it? So after we ate we came home, got the kids showered and put them to bed… now the real play time begins…

I’m sure there will be a lovely post about that tomorrow! πŸ™‚

He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen)

[The following is a He Said, She Said featuring, one of my favorite bloggers, Tom Allen. Please take time (after you read my blog! Haha) to visit Tom’s blog. He’s a very experienced man with plenty to say on sexual intimacy and relationships, as well as some of the kinky stuff. Thanks Tom for taking time to write with me! ]

Lady M: Every so often, on my favorite Male Chastity forums, a specific subject comes up. Those guys that are relatively new to chastity and have managed to get their gf, wife or partner into it, run into a road block. It goes a little something like this: A guy wants his woman to take control, he finally gets his otherwise vanilla girl to agree to chastity & gives her the key. He then starts to freak out because he can’t get a hold of his cock for 3 days and asks for the key back. When his girl refuses, because she’s supposed to be in control he gets whiny, nasty, sullen, or even belligerent. She gives in, unlocks him and probably even let’s him cum. Then she feels bad, he feels bad, he apologizes, and the cycle may even start all over again with another attempt at lock up.

Surprisingly enough this is a pretty common issue that comes up early on. A lot of times
on the forums the response is “you asked for this” or “you’re locked up now, you have to deal with it and do what she says.” While ultimately that is the goal, chastity has a learning curve and not all guys are perfectly submissive and not all women are Dominant to the bone.

Tom Allen: Orgasm control/denial is a really odd kink. For most guys, the kink is really about the control, rather than the orgasm itself. Sexual pleasure is a very powerful force, and most OD kinksters have the fantasy of having the control of that pleasure taken out of their hands, so to speak.

When men are aroused, their judgment is sometimes clouded by the sexy-horny-aroused feelings that are churning away, and they will paradoxically masturbate furiously to the fantasy of a stern mistress who will not allow them to have an orgasm. In real life, however, most men are married or partnered with regular women who don’t understand their desire to be controlled. A chastity device should make this easier, right? Just lock it up and go about your business.

Ironically, though, the device actually makes it more difficult for most guys. Men wearing a device, especially if they are new at it, have a constant reminder that they are not allowed to touch themselves, not allowed to wank, and not allowed an orgasm. The device needs constant adjustment, and even a brief tumescence results in what often feels like the firm grip of a loving hand, sending more signals of arousal into their primitive brains.

The problems come when they begin to overload on the arousal. In the way that a cup of coffee is a nice start to the day, but five cups leave you jittery and snappish, a few days of arousal gives you a nice glow, but by the end of the week, you’re irritable from not being able to calm down. This is where the fantasy of a strict Domme runs smack into the wall of a real life relationship: In the fantasy, you’re always feeling submissive, or if you’re not, then your Domme just gives you a few smacks on your ass with the riding crop to change your attitude. In real life, your partner is pretty tired of your whining, complaining, pouting, or bitching, and is ready to give you back the key for good.

Lady M: I hear all too often, how other Keyholders are angry or upset or need advice on how to handle their guys when they get like this. They feel confused because these guys just asked them to take control of their dick and now they are being whiny, crabby and sometimes flat out mean. It can be very stressful on a woman to be a Keyholder, especially when she isn’t particularly dominant. When their guys get like that most feel like, “what the hell am I doing this for, this isn’t worth it” or “why am I putting up with this, this isn’t fun or a turn on.” I’m assuming there are plenty of emotions running through a guys head too, but I’m sure you can speak to that better than I can, Tom. After all you have the locked up cock, not me. πŸ™‚

Tom Allen: Most guys simply are not prepared for the roller-coaster of arousal and frustration that they experience when they are first denied, and some do not handle it well at all. Instead of being submissive or appreciative, they become irritated and clingy, and develop a need for constant attention.

To be fair, though, many chastity newbs have rarely or never, gone for more than a couple of days without an orgasm, and are completely at a loss as to how to handle the constant arousal. In addition, the arousal triggers hormones, which in turn affect their emotions. While it’s a sweeping generalization to say that men don’t handle their feelings well, it may be correct to say that they don’t know how to handle the constantly changing emotions that have suddenly been dumped into their bodies.

Some guys learn to deal with it. Unfortunately, some don’t, and they unintentionally lash out at their partner for doing exactly what they were asked to do in the first place.

Lady M: There are a few ways a more vanilla woman can handle the situation. Sometimes it is as simple as telling them to suck it up… if the Keyholder is strong enough to deal with the whiny behavior. Perhaps she wants to punish him for that behavior and spank him etc. Honestly, though, not all women are overly dominant and aren’t into correcting behavior like that. Most women are dealing with the everyday, cleaning the house, working, taking care of kids and already dealing with their kids behavior and correcting them. At least I know I am being a stay at home mom! It’s not easy adding to that but in the end we do benefit once it falls into place.

Tom Allen: The trope in the chastity world is that once the guy is locked up, he immediately “has to do whatever she says” if he is going to get any kind of relief or release. In reality, most of us are living normal lives, working, mowing the lawn, going to school plays, cleaning the gutters, paying bills, and doing all of that within the context of a relationship. If your partner doesn’t normally “correct” your attitude or behavior with a spanking (or whatever), then even if she suddenly switched from June Cleaver to Mistress Cruella, chances are that you’re still not going to suddenly switch off your crankiness.

And let me take a moment to mention that the Mistress Cruella trope is a typically male-driven fantasy, anyhow. Most women when they take a dominant role that’s of their own choosing (as opposed to play-acting for a partner) tend to demand attention and obedience from a loving and respectful servant; they do not typically think in terms of harsh treatment and punishment. The men who are imagining their partners in such a role are already setting themselves up for disappointment.

Lady M: Leaving the keys out of it is one way. You can do this by giving them to a friend, a fellow Keyholder or store it in another location, etc. There are also a number of dice games, card games and other games that decide the length of lock up… though doing something like that ultimately removes some control that a Keyholder is supposed to have. Most guys want their woman to control when, where and for how long he has his cock locked up in a cage as well as when and how he will orgasm. This definitely isn’t the way I handle things because I need to be in complete control. I guess that makes me a control freak hehe. I will say we did try to go by the “set date” thing and I just felt bad when I would unlock early because I wanted to… that’s when I realized I AM in control and I can change the rules anytime I want.

Tom Allen: I have mixed feelings on this. Mrs. Edge and I have always agreed that she should have 100% control, so we never had a point system, dice games, XX number of days, etc., because all of those things removed or mitigated her control. That said, Mrs. Edge, herself, discovered that she liked having 100% of the control, so what we did worked for us.

I do understand that some women don’t care about the control, or would prefer not to have to deal with a partner that is whining or complaining. Using a random number, like a dart toss or a dice roll removes some of the responsibility, so she can tell her partner “Hey, don’t be mad at me, you rolled a double 6, remember?”

An aside: Mrs. Edge often left her key at work, but that was so she, herself, wouldn’t be tempted to use it. Sometimes she set a time period in her own mind (I was never told how long it would be), and she found it easier to leave her key inaccessible so she wouldn’t have to break her own promise to herself. Women are weird.

Lady M: A woman can also handle it in another way that isn’t usually brought up because it seems to be a more vanilla, not so dominant way of doing things.  Sometimes, giving a chaste guy more attention (especially in the beginning) helps, even praising while teasing. Saying things like “You’re doing so good handling my teasing” or “Only  a few more days to go, I’m really proud of you.”

Tom Allen: I don’t think that this is just a vanilla approach. In fact, since I never knew how long she expected me to hold out for, I found it helpful for her to suggest things like “You’re doing really well, you can hold out another week for me, can’t you? Come on, just one more week?” With that approach, she used to keep me going for months at a time.

Lady M: Although I am super lucky that I don’t have to deal with these situations too often, as I have a pretty obedient subby hubby. He understands he’s given up control… but nothing’s perfect and it does happen in even the best situations. I tend to deal with the crabbies in a mix of these ways and can do the hardass “too bad, deal with it” thing as well as the “awww poor baby” thing and it seems to get us through well enough. I like to think I’m pretty strong and stubborn and my dominance is built in deep.

Tom Allen: People, and their relationships, are so variable that there probably isn’t one thing that will work better, or even consistently. I’ve always cautioned men who are new to chastity devices to approach things slowly, and to give themselves time to adjust to wearing a device; it can often take weeks before your body adapts to 24/7 wear. I guess that I should also caution them that it may take quite some time to adapt to the emotional fluctuations that they will likely experience.

My suggestion to women who find themselves in this situation is to not believe your partner if he asks for a lengthy period of lock up, unless he has been working himself up to it for weeks or months. And if you already are holding your partner’s key, and he reacts negatively, try not to react out of anger. Instead, try to understand that he has not developed the coping skills to handle long periods of denial, and that he will need your help in learning to see the changes he’s going through. Ask him if he’s sure that he wants the key back, or if he can wait one more day. Just a day, and then you’ll check in with him again. Some men will take the key, and then feel embarrassed later at their lack of resolve. Others will probably take the key once, and then the next time remember how they felt, and try to hold off for a little longer. And some will manage to calm themselves down once they realize that they can, if they needed, have you remove the device.

I know that this sounds like a lot of work on the part of the (probably reluctant) keyholder. It probably will be, at first, but the payoff is that once your partner realizes just how much work you were willing to do in order to make him happy, he will be willing to return the effort to show his appreciation. Once he learns how to cope, that is

Like the flip of a Switch, I Feel That Dominance Come Over Me

Sometimes I swear it’s like someone flips a switch in me and even if I try to fight it, the Aggressive in me comes out. Even if I’m in the mood to be lovey and romantic, this aggressive, dominant, controlling me sneaks out and takes over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to hide who I am but sometimes I don’t always want it rough and aggressive. Soft and sensual are nice too!

This morning I went up to tuck cagedmonkey in and we were snuggling and kissing and all of a sudden I felt that urge. That one where I feel the need to push him down hard into the bed, grab the back of his head and pull him in for a deep, hard kiss. That feeling when kissing him that I want to suck his tongue and give it that slight tug with my teeth. That feeling where I want to grab his nipple and give it that extra hard pinch. That feeling where I want to slide my hand down around his sexy little ass cheek, grab it good, squeeze it and pull him in toward my hips as I grind up against him. That feeling where I just want to ravage his body and fuck him hard.

However, we have quite the predicament. Hubby has been sentenced to a lengthy Jail Bird stay without release until August and mother nature has stepped in so I can’t even play with my favorite dildo (whom I’ve now named “Adam” after a friend who only wishes he could get a piece of this haha lmao!). So, I feel, in a few days when my cycle is over I’ll be using the RodeOh with Adam on hubby and getting my fill of being filled. Hehe

All of this certainly didn’t stop me from going up a bit ago to have a couple orgasms in front of hubby. I grabbed the wand, which works wonders through a pad, and gave myself a lovely orgasm. Then hubby asked if he could hold the wand while I came a second time, nice and hard, squeezing him with my thighs as I bucked my hips toward the ceiling.

Hubby has informed me that he’s feeling awfully subby today and is ready to do anything I ask of him… yes this turns me on and gets my wicked little mind working! πŸ™‚

Tease or Torture – Sensation Play

CagedMonkey and I have had a very relaxed couple weeks in the chastity device and our D/s play because our Jail Bird is in getting adjustments. The Bird Cage we use as a back up device is really showing its wear and I don’t want hubby wearing it for more time than necessary. So really he’s only been wearing it to work.

I decided, since we haven’t had any real intense teasing play lately, today would be a bit of  a dominant day. Cagedmonkey works midnights so when he got home this morning he got breakfast for the kids and then got ready for bed. He had a headache so I gave him some Tylenol and let him sleep a little before putting him through this intense ride.

I’m not sure what you would call this but today he is (trying to) sleeping unlocked, bound to the bed, gagged with a penis gag and stuffed with the njoy butt plug. While he is enduring that torture? I will be visiting very often to stroke him and edge him.

I’m sure he’s going to be very tired and worn out by this afternoon but I feel like he needed a good reminder of who is in charge of all of his pleasures & sensations.

I’m really loving the idea of sensory deprivation play and I’m working to learn how to make it happen. So for now I’m playing with sensations and making him all filled up and unable to touch or do anything about whatever I do to him. He just has to endure whatever I want to do to him because I am in control of it all. I’m even in control of how much or the quality of sleep he gets. It should be a fun day and perhaps he’ll write later about how he feels about what I’m doing to him. πŸ™‚

When the Other Shoe Drops – Domdrop

I borrowed this from another website (can’t remember which now, sorry) to help me explain something I experienced for the first time last night.

“During BDSM play, both the dominant and submissive partner may experience feelings of euphoria caused by endorphin rush. After play is over, in addition to the drop in endorphins, the after-effects of power exchange, physicality, and emotional release during BDSM play may leave one or both partners feeling lost, sad, or anxious after play is over. Dominants may also experience feelings of guilt for having used and/or hurt their subs.”

The above quote is discussing Domme drop (or Top drop) which refers to the specific and temporary reaction one can have after an intense scene. It can happen anywhere from half an hour to a couple days after a session. Dominants can have a very strong reaction to the sudden dump of emotions. We play hard, we let out parts of ourselves that have likely never been exposed, we explore our predatory natures. Our bodies fill with adrenalin and endorphins. A Dominant can find themselves suddenly crying, depressed, guilt ridden, insecure, scared, or any combination of emotions and physical reactions. Some just become suddenly exhausted. Some have little or no reaction.

This is exactly what happened to me last night. We had a particularly intense session of submission for cagedmonkey. I grabbed ahold of my power and took him pretty rough with the strap on by the end of it. I was revved up, hot, horny, aggressive and feeling very powerful. It felt so good to push him around, position him where I wanted, do what I wanted to him. He both hated and loved every minute of it. He is definitely not a butt slut but does like that I want him like that. That I will use him that way, for purely my pleasure.

Last night was a work night for hubby so our time together was very limited but I was very much craving that power over him and wanted to force some submission on him. Usually after an intense session we end with some cuddling aftercare. It’s in our contract that I provide this for my subby hubby and I just love holding him after anyway. It’s beautiful having him lay on my chest and me hold him and tell him everything is ok and I love him. So last night the aftercare was extremely short. Cagedmonkey had to rush out the door to work. Β 

I think last night I realized that I, the dominant, need that aftercare just as much as a sub. About a half an hour after hubby walked out the door I was sitting here alone and just burst out crying for a few minutes. I started to freak out as to what the fuck was going on and even caused myself an anxiety attack. I took some anxiety meds and calmed myself down and started to research (yes, you’ll find I do a lot of that!). I just had to know what happened to me. Β  Let me tell you not to worry it is a short lived reaction. It was a sudden dump of emotions and my body needed to deal with them however it knew how… crying was that reaction apparently.

Dom and sub drop may happen for several different reasons. One cause is chemical. Adrenalin and endorphins are powerful chemical hormones in our bodies. When the hormones start to leave our systems it is not unusual to have symptoms similar to withdrawal. Fatigue, mood swings, depression, these are all common reactions to both Dominants and submissives. People process the chemicals in their bodies in very different ways and react to them in their own way too, so there is no way to know how a person’s going to react. Β 

The point of this post is help others Dommes (and subs) know that it’s important to understand what is going on in your body. It’s also important to understand that it’s normal to have these reactions, and they will go away shortly.