Lost My Confidence, Will I Still Be Able to Dominate?

The last night of our cruise I had trouble sleeping as we headed back to New York City. I could feel, as I started to pack things up that evening, some anxiety thinking about getting back to normal once we got home. I don’t mean getting hubby back to work or the kids to school, grocery shopping or sorting through two weeks of mail. I mean getting back to the beautiful D/s relationship hubby and I have spent the past year and a half exploring. Not only the D/s relationship between hubby and I, but the one I have with my other submissive boys too.

Before we even went on this trip I had decided it was going to be a vacation. A real vacation from everything, our roles, the kinky stuff, everything. Just a nice time to let whatever happens happen. We did have a little sexy time on the trip as I mentioned the sex on the balcony and the mirrors! Ooh boy, those mirrors were amazing! I really cannot explain in words what I felt when I watched the pure joy on cagedmonkey’s face as he held my hips and pounded against my nice round ass. It was like watching my own personal porn seeing how much he was enjoying every second of slamming his cock deep in my pussy. And when he came, that was an amazing sight. It’s not everyday that you get to watch almost secretly as your man’s primal energy takes over and you see the reaction of his entire body while he is exploding a nice hot load of cum deep inside you. It really is something I cannot describe. I just don’t have the words to explain the emotion behind it.

Oh, sorry, got a little side tracked there! 🙂

Anyway, as I was saying, there were some moments of spontaneous sex and hubby had lots of orgasms – about 7 or 8 I’d say which is more than he had all year last year, I think! The thing that wasn’t there on our trip was the D/s part of it. Our FLR was in high gear, I planned things, scheduled the days for the most part, made most of the final decisions (even got overwhelmed by constantly orchestrating everyone’s every move and had a moment because people (kids) get bitchy lol) but during the sex there was no domination from me. There wasn’t really a whole lot from cagedmonkey either. It’s not like either of us took charge of the sex we had on the ship. Well, maybe when he fucked me on the balcony looking out over the ocean, but you get my point.

As we got closer to home, I started thinking about what it would be like when we got back. Would I still be able to be sexually dominant? What about my other subby boys? Could I still be the Domme they desire, creating tasks for them, enforcing my rules? Would I still have that pull over them, have them as my little puppets? Would I even remember how to manipulate those strings? Do I still have it in me to mindfuck them? I could sit here and write about 47 more questions that ran through my head, but I’m sure you get where I’m going with all of this. I’m worried that I’ve lost the confidence to be those things, to remember how, to make it what it was before we left.
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I will say those first few “yes, ma’am’s” after getting home did spark something inside me. I certainly don’t feel like I’m “back” and I’m not sure where my confidence level is at the moment. I really feel like I need a good hardcore D/s session with hubby but I don’t see there being time for anything like that right now. It certainly doesn’t help when mother nature decides she’s going to get in the way. I was all set to give cagedmonkey a good gueening this morning and I stopped in the bathroom, because I’m not into peeing in his mouth and, of course there she is!

So finding my way back among these stupid girlie hormones is proving to be real work. I’m hoping to plan a D/s day with hubby – the kind we can discreetly have in front of the kids – as well as a good pain session with a couple of my other submissive boys as well which I hope will help push me back into my Top role.
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Here We Are Again – 3 Weeks Denied Orgasm

The longest we’ve made it in tease and denial is one month in our 14 years together and I just have to ask myself why? Cagedmonkey has been denied orgasm for 3 weeks now. This is the third or fourth time, since we got into this whole chastity thing, where we’ve gotten to the 3-4 week mark. I realized something last night as we were having a little sexy sex time.

Yesterday morning was a particularly mind fucking morning. I just love tucking hubby in and whispering all kinds of crazy, dirty, naughty things in his ear while I grind on him and have an orgasm. It really just drives him completely bonkers. What was worse yesterday morning was that I unlocked him, rubbed my wet pussy on his ass while I held his rock hard erection in my hand against the bed. I did those little teases often throughout the day yesterday, even used his cock a few times and then by last night he’s was highly hair trigger aroused. So much so that he could barely look me in the eye without almost cumming. Let alone moving while his cock was in my pussy.

I could see in his face how truly and completely frustrated he was, it looked almost painful. That’s when I started to notice my Dominant Keyholder feelings going from “haha this is funny” to “oh no my poor baby” and feeling bad and sorry for cagedmonkey. I kept thinking to myself maybe I should just let him cum. That was exactly when I realized THAT is the whole reason we don’t make it past a month. I start to see the real, not funny anymore frustration and my brain automatically wants to switch to “making him feel better” mode.

The best part about this whole chastity thing is that our communication is super fantastic. So last night I needed to have a conversation with hubby about this. When we first started out we had to work together just to get past the first couple days and then weeks but after talking last night we realized we are at a spot where we need to work together again to get over this hurdle.

We talked about what I felt I needed to be ok with pushing him further. Obviously I’m having emotional/psychological issues with it. We came to the conclusion that, not during teasing or denial, but after I really need to hear that he actually likes that I denied him. I need praise and encouragement to know that I’m not really hurting him or doing something that will cause him to resent me or have anger toward me. I know I have some abandonment issues so that helps when we are trying to figure out what I need. I need to know that deep down he IS enjoying our play and what I put him through (or at least loves to hate it and wants to not want it haha) and that I’m not going to push him away and make him leave me. Yes, to the “normals” that might sound crazy but buried somewhere in my brain that is the root of my loss of confidence.

I’m just glad we can talk and work these things out to make our game the most fun it can be. Communication is key in any relationship but even more so in chastity, tease and denial our any kinky relationship.

Sick Keyholder – Anxiety & Regaining Confidence

Being sick for this long has really taken a toll on this Keyholder. I haven’t had that physical connection with cagedmonkey since Saturday. I mean we’ve tried but how long can you actually kiss with a stuffy nose before gasping for air? We’ve tried to be touchy feely and while that feels good I’m dealing with a tummy getting nauseous at the same time. My nose is all sore from blowing it constantly and my lips are all chapped. It’s really sexy, I tell ya.

I feel like my confidence has taken a hit in all of this as well. Usually, daily, I’m seeing or feeling a reaction to my aggression/dominance but since we’ve been sick there really hasn’t been any. We’ve haven’t felt like teasing really or anything like that in the past few days either.

Last night I was feeling some pretty yucky anxiety. Cagedmonkey, being sick, has been home from work more nights this week than normal. I usually have a little trouble on his first night back to work after being off, anyway, but last night got me particularly hard. I guess I should have prepared myself better for him going but I didn’t. So yeah, I had him get on his knees in front of me and hold me while I told him I was having a hard time. Cagedmonkey knows me very well after all these years and knows what I need to help me through.

Maybe this all sounds lame to some and not very becoming of a big bad ass Keyholder but it’s reality. I’m a little nutty and insecure sometimes and I’m just glad my subby hubby loves me and cares enough to give me what I need to push through and regain my composure and confidence.

Ya see, all that wonderful love he showed last night really helped when he got home from work this morning. I went up to tuck him in and unlocked his cage to release the sexiness within. He’s still not allowed to touch himself until my birthday, in a week and a half, so I put him in the bondage mittens. I had him get on his side and I spooned him and gave him quite the mind fucking while stroking his cock. Telling him all the things I could force him to do. Making him watch as I was fondling his cock and stroking him, something he hasn’t done in 16 days. I just love feeling that big thick hard cock in my hand. I had him so extremely turned on that he gushed precum onto my hand. I really enjoy getting him to that point.

One of the things that really got a good reaction out of him was when I told him how I could spoon him while wearing the strap-on. I explained in a sexy whisper how I could hold his cock in my hand and the only way he would be stroked was if he would push back against me. He would basically have to penetrate and violate himself to get any pleasure for his cock. What a dilemma! Such a humiliating thing to do just to feel that stroke on his shaft!

Hehe that really got him breathing heavy and moaning slightly. He even started to buck against me a bit too. I really think he liked the idea of being forced to do something he hated if he wanted any pleasure.

Such fun in teasing the mind. I’m also happy to feel myself getting back into the groove, so to speak.