Lost My Confidence, Will I Still Be Able to Dominate?

The last night of our cruise I had trouble sleeping as we headed back to New York City. I could feel, as I started to pack things up that evening, some anxiety thinking about getting back to normal once we got home. I don’t mean getting hubby back to work or the kids to school, grocery shopping or sorting through two weeks of mail. I mean getting back to the beautiful D/s relationship hubby and I have spent the past year and a half exploring. Not only the D/s relationship between hubby and I, but the one I have with my other submissive boys too.

Before we even went on this trip I had decided it was going to be a vacation. A real vacation from everything, our roles, the kinky stuff, everything. Just a nice time to let whatever happens happen. We did have a little sexy time on the trip as I mentioned the sex on the balcony and the mirrors! Ooh boy, those mirrors were amazing! I really cannot explain in words what I felt when I watched the pure joy on cagedmonkey’s face as he held my hips and pounded against my nice round ass. It was like watching my own personal porn seeing how much he was enjoying every second of slamming his cock deep in my pussy. And when he came, that was an amazing sight. It’s not everyday that you get to watch almost secretly as your man’s primal energy takes over and you see the reaction of his entire body while he is exploding a nice hot load of cum deep inside you. It really is something I cannot describe. I just don’t have the words to explain the emotion behind it.

Oh, sorry, got a little side tracked there! πŸ™‚

Anyway, as I was saying, there were some moments of spontaneous sex and hubby had lots of orgasms – about 7 or 8 I’d say which is more than he had all year last year, I think! The thing that wasn’t there on our trip was the D/s part of it. Our FLR was in high gear, I planned things, scheduled the days for the most part, made most of the final decisions (even got overwhelmed by constantly orchestrating everyone’s every move and had a moment because people (kids) get bitchy lol) but during the sex there was no domination from me. There wasn’t really a whole lot from cagedmonkey either. It’s not like either of us took charge of the sex we had on the ship. Well, maybe when he fucked me on the balcony looking out over the ocean, but you get my point.

As we got closer to home, I started thinking about what it would be like when we got back. Would I still be able to be sexually dominant? What about my other subby boys? Could I still be the Domme they desire, creating tasks for them, enforcing my rules? Would I still have that pull over them, have them as my little puppets? Would I even remember how to manipulate those strings? Do I still have it in me to mindfuck them? I could sit here and write about 47 more questions that ran through my head, but I’m sure you get where I’m going with all of this. I’m worried that I’ve lost the confidence to be those things, to remember how, to make it what it was before we left.
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I will say those first few “yes, ma’am’s” after getting home did spark something inside me. I certainly don’t feel like I’m “back” and I’m not sure where my confidence level is at the moment. I really feel like I need a good hardcore D/s session with hubby but I don’t see there being time for anything like that right now. It certainly doesn’t help when mother nature decides she’s going to get in the way. I was all set to give cagedmonkey a good gueening this morning and I stopped in the bathroom, because I’m not into peeing in his mouth and, of course there she is!

So finding my way back among these stupid girlie hormones is proving to be real work. I’m hoping to plan a D/s day with hubby – the kind we can discreetly have in front of the kids – as well as a good pain session with a couple of my other submissive boys as well which I hope will help push me back into my Top role.
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24 responses to “Lost My Confidence, Will I Still Be Able to Dominate?

  1. There must be a full moon out or something. I just posted a similar post. although mine span over a longer period of time, I can very much feel what you’re feeling. The want to be who you want to be the the excitement just isn’t there at this point. Maybe it’s the gloomy winter weather. It always seems to get me this time of year and February is always the month that the cold starts to eat through my skin and break me down. I hope the warmer weather comes quickly.

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    • Hey KP! There WAS a full moon, last night! Haha
      Sorry to hear you are feeling off as well. At least I know why and know what I need to come back from it.

      One of the things I love most is that I can so easily (now) talk to CM about these things and we work together on our relationship. However, I do know exactly what you mean and I’ve had moments when I’m just not in it. I’m really sorry you are feeling that right now. I’d hug you if I could, so you know it’s going to be ok!

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      • Thank you very much for your comments. It’s great being able to talk to someone about it and get such a kind and full response. Thanks again. I’m hoping for an early spring, screw that groundhog πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ma’am your boys, and I am proud to say I am one of them, know that it will take time to get back in the flow. But all those internal questions are normal for you and me, Ma’am. You will have the flow back in time and we’ll wait for when you feel you are fully back. You have dedicated boys who do count themselves lucky to be yours for more reasons then I can name here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww you’re so sweet πŸ™‚ I do love that you guys are all so dedicated and understanding. I honestly didn’t think this would happen but, fact is, it is so we will just all deal with it… together!

      Thank you my boy for your comment!

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    • Aww thanks my boy for the wonderful comment. I appreciate that you boys are so dedicated and understanding. πŸ™‚ I’ve said it before and I say it again, I have the best subby boys!

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  3. Sexuality ebbs and flows. You took your trip with different rules, came home, need time for re-entry. My guess — the less you fret about it, the quicker things will return to your normal.

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    • Thanks Al, you’re right I am kind of stressed about it underneath it all. Not so much that it’s showing but obviously I was concerned enough about it. πŸ™‚

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  4. Jalan and I have been 24/7 D/s for a little less than four years. It is a lot of work for her. The nature of the responsibilities she feels for keeping the D/s lively has evolved, but not the need. And I, too, have responsibilities for it, just like any partnership. When she’s having a rough time of any sort, I focus more on offering personal service (foot massage, going out to get ice cream, mixing drinks, whatever). That reinforces the D/s for both of us, and I can initiate it in a deferential fashion without adding to her responsibilities to keep it active. Sometimes it just means going to kneel by her feet–I have physical limitations that mean she knows I’m making a small sacrifice to do it, and it is by my choice.

    When I’m having a rough time of any sort, one of my responsibilities is communicating that to her. Sometimes I need to feel the tug of the leash, as we put it. I’m trying to get better at recognizing that it in myself and asking for it, though that’s not always the easiest thing for me still. That tug might be a new rule or responsibility or ritual, it might be more teasing/denial, any number of things. I seldom ask for specific things on a timeline. It doesn’t do any good anyway :). Our dynamic works better if she knows the kinds of things that help me feel the dominance but she chooses among them.

    Long story short, I’m acquainted with the problem, and it’s key for us to see it as a joint responsibility. Hope that might be of some help.

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    • Thanks so much for your comment! Yes we both take responsibility for this D/s relationship and we do very similar to you. When one of us is off or just craving or feeling a need the other snaps to action. πŸ™‚

      You see, this post was my point of view, I’m sure he would have written how he is needing to feel my dominance and control as much as I’m needing to give it. I think he mentioned it briefly in his lock up post.

      He really is helping me by showing his submission and giving me those little ques… The “yes, ma’am’s” and “thank you, ma’am’s” and asking permission for things he normally doesn’t need to unless we are specifically in a 100% control day.

      As far as her knowing the things or type of thing you may need and being able to choose what, when or if, is pretty much how we do things here. I require hubby to tell me his desires and fantasies and needs and then I choose from the things I know intrigue or arouse him.

      Thanks again for your comment, great to hear from you. πŸ™‚

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      • Yes, I think we’ve noted before some similarities in our dynamics!

        (And I do the same thing with extra permission-seeking, if I think it will be more appreciated than burdensome–and she gives me feedback.)

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  5. Hi Lady M. Sounds like a wonderful trip. I know what the “post-vacation-blues” feel like but remember they are just temporary. Hopefully so is your anxiety over resuming a dominant role.

    I will admit, my first thought when seeing the words about “taking a vacation” from the kinky stuff and from your roles was …. why? I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be this way but it seems to imply that your role in your marriage is laborious. If there is any ounce of truth in that, it may very well be cause for you and your sub husband to assess things and address things. I think you’ll agree that it is unhealthy for a woman in your position to feel like her role as a dominant wife is laborious.

    Also, like my brother sub husband Robert Anthony, I don’t think I know the story about other subby boys that you have. Perhaps you could post on that aspect for those of us that may have joined your site after you perhaps explained it.

    Always a big fan Lady M. I know that whatever funk yo may think you are in will go away soon, because after all …. you are Lady M.

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    • Subhub,

      Thank you so much for your comment. Wow, I did NOT mean at all that I was taking a vacation from my role as in it was work. It’s who I am so I can’t exactly not be it or I wouldn’t be myself. Haha

      That is not to say that being a Dominant woman, and keyholder doesn’t take some work. It does, it takes planning and teasing and making sure your submissive is not feeling neglected. I usually make certain that my hubby feels my dominance daily and knows it is not a “lock it and leave it” thing.

      All I meant by that whole thing was that I didn’t want to worry about chastity devices and teasing and all that. I just wanted whatever naturally happened to happen. I didn’t want to have to plan things for our trip.

      I hope I’m making sense here but it seems it’s harder to explain than I thought. I am naturally dominant and sexually aggressive so that just comes out and happens and I wanted that. I also wanted it to be ok if he took charge and fucked me till he came if he wanted and not because I told him to… or not to. I didn’t want to have to think “do I want him to cum today?”

      Ok, does that help explain it? πŸ™‚

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      • Totally, totally get it. Perhaps you might want to consider that mindset upon resuming your normal life. Of course we subs know the unmitigated joy of the love of our life ‘taking charge and fucking us till they cum’ … perhaps you might consider being in that role for a day or two.

        Mistress K. gets her plate pretty full sometimes and doesn’t want to be burdened with having to worry the task and obligation of being a Mistress Wife. We’ve talked about it plenty and one of the ways she deals with it is to not worry about how I might feel about when it is happening. After all, if she has other things on her mind, and I’m pestering her because I’m needy, or horny, or whatever ………… it tends to annoy her and of course, being annoyed (especially with me) is not something I would ever want for her.

        This blog, your words and the words of your husband are among my favorite in blog land. Thanks so much for everything.

        Much love.

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      • Right, see I knew you would get it!

        That’s why I was saying, in the post, about how I need a good full on domination session where I’m so fully in control of hubby. That will kick me back in.

        Really, something I need is time! I need time to plan out a few dominant things, a good bondage session, since sensory deprivation, total loss of control on his part. πŸ™‚ it is helping being back chatting with friends in email and Twitter because the thoughts and fantasies begin to flow.

        Since we got home I’ve been going going going trying to catch up, get laundry done so people can go to school/work, groceries for an empty fridge, etc. I’ve even been trying to catch up on emails and stuff too so I haven’t had a chance to give him a good go. Then just when I was going to show him who was boss lol I have to go and be a woman with a uterus. πŸ™‚

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  6. Hi M’Lady and Monkey
    Glad you both had a great holiday and its wonderful to have you back… But, have I missed something or am I being thick (again)…who are the other subby boys you refer to? I feel like I haven’t been paying attention…

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    • Thank you Robert! Haha I’ll help you out with the “other subby boys.” I did actually post about it not too long ago. Give made a sec and I’ll get you the link. πŸ™‚

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  7. Dear Lady M,
    I think I can understand (a little) how You feel.
    I also think that it is something You can deal with, not because You have done it already, but because it is who You are on your Inside.
    So maybe the best option is not to worry too much about it, get rid of all the things that could come through your way and prevent You from getting back to your kinky intimacy, both with CM and your subbys.
    Note that seeing CM back in his chastity device may also turn You on soon, and that You are not alone: i mean that your subbys can help You too, as well as CM (who will – i have no doubt – feel if You’re stressed and/or anxious).
    Maybe once Mother Nature’s gift is gone You will feel more at ease to focus on “your little World”‘s training and get back to a high level of confidence and sexiness (virtuous circle).
    I am fully confident You can. And that You will.
    Because You are LADY M !
    ❀

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    • Stephane, thanks so much for your comment, I should have mentioned that putting on his cage and locking it was very helpful. I feel bits of my dominance but the once “very in control of everything and with a plan” thing is what is lacking.

      I usually have a plan and after being on vacation, I don’t have a plan and I think that is what is bothering me most.

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      • i’ve been reading a few posts (+/ recent ones) and i think that intensity is something that really matters for You.
        From that point of view, i believe that having time just for You and CM could be very good (hello babysitter?) so You can organize a mindblowing Dom. session.
        i’m sure you’ll get back to it in no time, and on that day, the earth might quake from the US to France ^^

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      • Oh Stephane, a babysitter would be fantastic but we don’t really have one. Friday the kids have an activity for a couple hours, that’s the best we have at the moment. We will make it work. πŸ™‚

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