Feel Like I’m Failing as a Keyholder

Since the other night when I got a little twinge of disappointment when cagedmonkey lost his erection, I’ve had some “I’m not good enough” stuff going on. I could feel the depression happening… losing my confidence, my self esteem and especially my horny. Hubby tried to arouse me a few times and I did start to feel a bit horny but it easily faded when he wasn’t around or was sleeping. I think that was another thing feeding into my depression, it always takes hubby a day or so to readjust after being off work so he sleeps quite a bit extra and our nightly connection isn’t what it normally is.

Then today pushed me further down into the hole of “I suck-ness” when I had to endure the terrible emotional battery I did from my 9yr old daughter. In case you don’t know, our daughter is on the Autism Spectrum and has some other medical issues so we homeschool her. I’m not going to get into it all but it hurt me to the core. I hid in the kitchen and cried because I felt like the worst parent, I felt like (feel like) I’m failing her, like maybe she deserves a better mom.

So as you can imagine this has all been taking away from the attention I usually give to cagedmonkey. So, yes, I feel like I’m failing as a keyholder and wife too. He’s not getting nearly the amount or quality of attention he wants or is used to. I need this depression to go away, I hate having feelings come over me like “maybe I should just give him the key and say forget it because I can’t give him what he wants right now.” I don’t really want that. I want to be fixed emotionally so that my dominant, confident, teasing horny comes back.

I did love the great pussy eating I got before hubby left for work tonight as well as the big long cum. I just wish I didn’t feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster.

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17 responses to “Feel Like I’m Failing as a Keyholder

  1. I found myself thinking about this post and you all day today and my heart goes out to you. What is it about being a mother that makes us all doubt ourselves almost from the moment our babies are born?! Stupid hormones I bet…For what it’s worth, I just want you to know you are not alone. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up too much…you are an amazing mother and fearless key holder! Your role is after all what you make of it and the fact that your husband posted such sweet words on this thread speaks volumes for his support of you as his wife, the mother of his child and as his trusted key holder. There is no failure. Try to forget all of the things that made you crazy this week…give in to taking a step back, a deep breath, and let yourself be loved and pampered, put up on a pedestal where you belong, whatever that looks like…your openness here is greatly appreciated! Lock on!

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    • Mistress K,

      Thank you so much for the wonderful words. I am feeling much better and am back in control and horny! Haha my kids are still nutso but hey, that’s part of being a parent. šŸ™‚

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  2. “…this has all been taking away from the attention I usually give CagedMonkey…”

    From what you’ve written, the amount of attention you give CM sounds wonderful (and I’m a little jealous), but the realities of life can often intrude and derail one from ‘fun & games’. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let him give *you* the attention *you* need- a glass of wine, a foot rub (if you’re into that), etc., without feeling the need to give back anything in return [at that moment].

    It sounds as though you feel that you need to always be ‘On’, giving CM what you think he needs/wants, but it can’t always be that way. Sometimes you need to shut down and just let someone take care of what you need, even if it’s non-sexual…for you. I know that when Mrs. Twisted wants me to get her a glass of wine and rub her feet she doesn’t think that she’s doing anything sexual, but it actually arouses me to do so. It’s a peculiar thing, even though she doesn’t think she is doing anything, she really is. She is getting what she needs, without considering any reciprocation, and *that* can be erotic [for me].

    (Oddly enough, though, there seems to be a connection from her feet to her pussy, and getting her feet rubbed can often lead to her getting turned-on and wanting a little licking too…and it turns me on to provide it, knowing that I’ll not be getting any in return.)

    Take some time to be ‘selfish’, without feeling guilty about it, you might still be giving CM something…without even trying.

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    • Twisted, you are very right and he tells me the same thing! It’s not an easy thing for me as I grew up drilled into me to be a people pleaser. Still even after a year I have trouble asking for things for me (that are non-sexual). Even stuff like wanting him to help me clean, our do dishes, etc which are normal everyday things that should be shared.

      I appreciate your comment, always do, so thank you.

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  3. Today is going much better with the girl… I had to stop being nice mommy/teacher and set her straight this morning but she has been mostly working today and not having tantrums and screaming at me!

    Hubby has been so wonderful at cheering me up, I love him so much! He knows exactly how to make me smile and laugh. I feel my horny (and my wet gooey panties) coming back nicely! šŸ™‚

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  4. The pleasures of being a dominant wife do not, I fear, remove the ups and downs of being a wife and a mother. Keeping the monkey caged is icing on the cake not the cake itself.

    Erections are fickle things. I know Elliot rather likes his micro doses of Viagra simply because actually having and sustaining an erection is no longer a worry.

    But it sounds to me as if, right now, there is a lot of stress you and the monkey have to deal with. You’ll get through it. The erections will return and he’ll be straining in his cage. But, for the moment, snuggling up with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate may make more sense.

    Hang in there.

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    • Yeah I’m glad his erection issue was just the stupid Oragel lol I think I’d be more concerned if it was ED or something and we would probably look at something to help. I’ve been having lots of fun today making him squirm and moan while I have him tied to the bed and plugged hehe I might have to go up while my daughter is having lunch and sit on his face šŸ™‚

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    • Giles, that’s a great tip or trick to try, thank you for your comment. šŸ™‚

      The whole erection being a gauge for affection thing is something I have struggled with for a long time in my life but I feel I’m doing well in overcoming. I want to make sure that I stress it was the stuff with our daughter yesterday that pushed me over the edge. Having that momentary feeling (the reason I called it a twinge) and brushing it off was no big deal. Compound that with a few days of being beaten up emotionally by a child who doesn’t “get it” plus a million other things I didn’t mention (like that fucker who cut me off on the road the other day! Hehe) and it’s a recipe for blah.

      We do many in-cage sessions both with attention and without. I think, for hubby and I, we prefer to go with the giving attention. Sometimes what gets him more is when I talk to his caged cock and ignore that he is there haha. šŸ™‚

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  5. J here with another PSA! Clearly open communication, support & understanding from both of you are critical. However, I think this “game” is played mostly in the head (the big one). I remind my wife constantly that when she doesn’t feel like doing anything, don’t tell me and to play it off like her lack of attention is part of the game. It could be played as a punishment, a build up to something big or just her prerogative. This keeps the game alive for me and gives here a chance to “recover”. Of course if she needs to let me know how she feels so we can communicate an issue then that comes first.

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    • Right, communication is huge in this… in anything! I wrote a great post on it haha

      I don’t want anyone to be mistaken, cagedmonkey knows how I feel, I don’t hold things inside to fester like I used to. But it would be no fair to anyone if I didn’t come here and say how I was feeling. This blog is here because it’s real life and people feel like crap emotionally sometimes. If even just one keyholder reads this and says “I’ve felt like that before” or one person even, then I’m happy I write about my feelings. šŸ™‚

      Thanks again J for posting, your comments are so insightful.

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  6. You are doing a wonderful job as a mother, because nobody else would deal with our daughter every day and still go back for more of the same. šŸ™‚

    You are doing a wonderful job as a keyholder, because you HAVEN’T just given up on me. This is a lifetime thing for us, and we are going to go through tough emotions sometimes. That doesn’t change the fact that I want you to control my cock for the rest of our lives. šŸ™‚

    And, last but not least, you are doing a wonderful job as a wife because you are communicating with me about how you feel and you are letting me try and cheer you up without pushing me away. You’re letting me love you, and that’s all I ever really need. šŸ™‚

    And your pussy did taste delicious tonight, for your information. :)~

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  7. You are not failing as a keyholder or a mother. We all have our moments. I love reading your blog and when he writes you can feel how he feels about you and being locked up. Sounds like cagedmonkey needs to dote on ML, some body worship and pampering!

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