Not Caring For Sharing: Setting Boundaries

This journey we are on is a lot about experimenting and trying new things. Some things we find we love, some things are like eh it’s ok and still others we find are hell no’s. In all of the things we explore and try we ALWAYS have this “if anything isn’t working or feels uncomfortable,” thing where we are to say, right away, so that no one gets hurt, our play doesn’t get spoiled and we don’t have any chance for resentment.

I have very much enjoyed our play time with friends, other couples, subby boys, chaste boys etc. These play times include things like email, texting, pics and video. I’ve loved every minute of arousing other people and getting aroused and then taking it out on cagedmonkey hehe. ๐Ÿ™‚

I suppose there comes a time when you unexpectedly run into something you had no idea was a “hell no.” Recently, over the course of about a week, we were enjoying some play time with friends and this happened to me. I started to feel off and had absolutely no idea what it was. I started to withdraw, get depressed and certainly wasn’t feeling all that horny. To make matters worse, when I get stressed, depressed or have emotional issues the first thing to happen is an extreme physical reaction. I was in some intense body pain and cried because I hurt so bad. I was having trouble walking and getting up and down the stairs and just trouble trying to function. But, here I was, dumbfounded as to why the hell this was happening to me.

Cagedmonkey knows me so well that he could tell something was wrong. He’d asked me over and over multiple times a day for a few days how I was feeling. I just answered “I’m fine.” I wasn’t lying, I thought I was fine. I mean, we were having so much fun playing with friends and enjoying some sexy sex time and all that… hell I’m the one who initiated most of the play and asked for it. It was stuff to help me tease the hell out of my locked up, denied boy. Apparently, something underneath it all was eating away at me. It’s times like those that I’m so blessed with an amazing attentive boy who is so in tune with me. He makes me so happy and I just dearly love him.

Now that I can think back to when I started to physically feel like crap, I realized it was about the time cagedmonkey had gotten into a role play situation with one of our friends. It wasn’t until last night when I had a break down and talked it out with hubby that we were able to get to the root of it. Basically we found that role play that involves cagedmonkey and a woman other than myself is something that I am not ok with. We found a “hard no” for me.

Over all this was a good thing, a learning experience. Basically with experimenting comes trial and error and I thought I was ok with anything. But, Oh boy, did I find out that, even imagining, my man with another woman was NOT something I could handle. It is something that I have now learned I need a boundary for.

See, with play stuff between cagedmonkey and I, we have boundaries and now I need to make sure that play stuff with others has boundaries as well. This whole situation is the perfect example of why communication is so important in a relationship. Not only a chastity relationship or BDSM or D/s but any relationship.

Have you asked your partner how they’re feeling today?

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8 responses to “Not Caring For Sharing: Setting Boundaries

  1. I totally understand where you are coming from, as much as cuckold fantasies agree with me, they only work in the abstract. I know the reality is more than I could handle. Hope your reaction has passed now.

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    • Oh yes, talking about it, figuring out the cause was like instantly lifting the pain from my body!

      Ok really it took about a day to not hurt but emotionally and physically I feel much better, thank you!

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  2. Some time ago (a year? two? three?), Mrs. Twisted and I got involved in a serious discussion about ‘other people’ and limits/boundaries. I’m not quite sure how it started but the gist of it was that she was having an issue relating to the discovery that the idea of her fucking someone else was a turn on for her. As it turned out, her issue was *not* with that particular idea per se, but rather with the mistaken notion that “what was good for the goose was good for the gander”- she was somehow under the impression that *my* limits required total reciprocity on *her* part, IOW, she felt that she needed to adjust her limits to the notion of me being free to fuck other women and she was absolutely *not* OK with that idea, and it was hindering her ability to enjoy the eroticism of the scenario. Apparently, she was having some difficulty reconciling that the ‘power exchange’ and her being ‘in control’ did not require her to be ‘fair’.

    Once we got it straightened out that she was under no obligation to consider reciprocity, it freed her mind to enjoy the pleasure and amusement of that type of scene.

    Frankly, I’m not quite sure why she had the problem in the first place, as the whole dynamic of the F/m power exchange is predicated on the *woman* being in control and *NOT* being “fair”…maybe she just wasn’t quite completely grasping that notion…

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    • FWIW, not being fair isn’t always an easy thing for us KHers. We might be in control but sometimes the unfairness can feel like we are being mean and who likes to be mean? Well… Ok some out there do but for a lot of us that part doesn’t come easily.

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  3. No mystery here, who really likes to share? I wonder how realistic this is in terms of maintaining a certain level of intimacy? There invariably will come a day when people choose to play and hubby finds he has adapted to someone else and rather likes it and maybe one day even better than you. Impossible you think or unlikely? I am a shrink and I see plenty of psychic damage from what started out as “fun”. It’s one thing to have online interaction with others but in person this takes one to a different playing field, one that may never be able to find one’s way back from.

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    • Michele Rubin,

      Thank you for your comment. I have to agree that physical play can change people. Cagedmonkey and I know we could never do the cuckold thing by definition.

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