He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen)

[The following is a He Said, She Said featuring, one of my favorite bloggers, Tom Allen. Please take time (after you read my blog! Haha) to visit Tom’s blog. He’s a very experienced man with plenty to say on sexual intimacy and relationships, as well as some of the kinky stuff. Thanks Tom for taking time to write with me! ]

Lady M: Every so often, on my favorite Male Chastity forums, a specific subject comes up. Those guys that are relatively new to chastity and have managed to get their gf, wife or partner into it, run into a road block. It goes a little something like this: A guy wants his woman to take control, he finally gets his otherwise vanilla girl to agree to chastity & gives her the key. He then starts to freak out because he can’t get a hold of his cock for 3 days and asks for the key back. When his girl refuses, because she’s supposed to be in control he gets whiny, nasty, sullen, or even belligerent. She gives in, unlocks him and probably even let’s him cum. Then she feels bad, he feels bad, he apologizes, and the cycle may even start all over again with another attempt at lock up.

Surprisingly enough this is a pretty common issue that comes up early on. A lot of times
on the forums the response is “you asked for this” or “you’re locked up now, you have to deal with it and do what she says.” While ultimately that is the goal, chastity has a learning curve and not all guys are perfectly submissive and not all women are Dominant to the bone.

Tom Allen: Orgasm control/denial is a really odd kink. For most guys, the kink is really about the control, rather than the orgasm itself. Sexual pleasure is a very powerful force, and most OD kinksters have the fantasy of having the control of that pleasure taken out of their hands, so to speak.

When men are aroused, their judgment is sometimes clouded by the sexy-horny-aroused feelings that are churning away, and they will paradoxically masturbate furiously to the fantasy of a stern mistress who will not allow them to have an orgasm. In real life, however, most men are married or partnered with regular women who don’t understand their desire to be controlled. A chastity device should make this easier, right? Just lock it up and go about your business.

Ironically, though, the device actually makes it more difficult for most guys. Men wearing a device, especially if they are new at it, have a constant reminder that they are not allowed to touch themselves, not allowed to wank, and not allowed an orgasm. The device needs constant adjustment, and even a brief tumescence results in what often feels like the firm grip of a loving hand, sending more signals of arousal into their primitive brains.

The problems come when they begin to overload on the arousal. In the way that a cup of coffee is a nice start to the day, but five cups leave you jittery and snappish, a few days of arousal gives you a nice glow, but by the end of the week, you’re irritable from not being able to calm down. This is where the fantasy of a strict Domme runs smack into the wall of a real life relationship: In the fantasy, you’re always feeling submissive, or if you’re not, then your Domme just gives you a few smacks on your ass with the riding crop to change your attitude. In real life, your partner is pretty tired of your whining, complaining, pouting, or bitching, and is ready to give you back the key for good.

Lady M: I hear all too often, how other Keyholders are angry or upset or need advice on how to handle their guys when they get like this. They feel confused because these guys just asked them to take control of their dick and now they are being whiny, crabby and sometimes flat out mean. It can be very stressful on a woman to be a Keyholder, especially when she isn’t particularly dominant. When their guys get like that most feel like, “what the hell am I doing this for, this isn’t worth it” or “why am I putting up with this, this isn’t fun or a turn on.” I’m assuming there are plenty of emotions running through a guys head too, but I’m sure you can speak to that better than I can, Tom. After all you have the locked up cock, not me. πŸ™‚

Tom Allen: Most guys simply are not prepared for the roller-coaster of arousal and frustration that they experience when they are first denied, and some do not handle it well at all. Instead of being submissive or appreciative, they become irritated and clingy, and develop a need for constant attention.

To be fair, though, many chastity newbs have rarely or never, gone for more than a couple of days without an orgasm, and are completely at a loss as to how to handle the constant arousal. In addition, the arousal triggers hormones, which in turn affect their emotions. While it’s a sweeping generalization to say that men don’t handle their feelings well, it may be correct to say that they don’t know how to handle the constantly changing emotions that have suddenly been dumped into their bodies.

Some guys learn to deal with it. Unfortunately, some don’t, and they unintentionally lash out at their partner for doing exactly what they were asked to do in the first place.

Lady M: There are a few ways a more vanilla woman can handle the situation. Sometimes it is as simple as telling them to suck it up… if the Keyholder is strong enough to deal with the whiny behavior. Perhaps she wants to punish him for that behavior and spank him etc. Honestly, though, not all women are overly dominant and aren’t into correcting behavior like that. Most women are dealing with the everyday, cleaning the house, working, taking care of kids and already dealing with their kids behavior and correcting them. At least I know I am being a stay at home mom! It’s not easy adding to that but in the end we do benefit once it falls into place.

Tom Allen: The trope in the chastity world is that once the guy is locked up, he immediately “has to do whatever she says” if he is going to get any kind of relief or release. In reality, most of us are living normal lives, working, mowing the lawn, going to school plays, cleaning the gutters, paying bills, and doing all of that within the context of a relationship. If your partner doesn’t normally “correct” your attitude or behavior with a spanking (or whatever), then even if she suddenly switched from June Cleaver to Mistress Cruella, chances are that you’re still not going to suddenly switch off your crankiness.

And let me take a moment to mention that the Mistress Cruella trope is a typically male-driven fantasy, anyhow. Most women when they take a dominant role that’s of their own choosing (as opposed to play-acting for a partner) tend to demand attention and obedience from a loving and respectful servant; they do not typically think in terms of harsh treatment and punishment. The men who are imagining their partners in such a role are already setting themselves up for disappointment.

Lady M: Leaving the keys out of it is one way. You can do this by giving them to a friend, a fellow Keyholder or store it in another location, etc. There are also a number of dice games, card games and other games that decide the length of lock up… though doing something like that ultimately removes some control that a Keyholder is supposed to have. Most guys want their woman to control when, where and for how long he has his cock locked up in a cage as well as when and how he will orgasm. This definitely isn’t the way I handle things because I need to be in complete control. I guess that makes me a control freak hehe. I will say we did try to go by the “set date” thing and I just felt bad when I would unlock early because I wanted to… that’s when I realized I AM in control and I can change the rules anytime I want.

Tom Allen: I have mixed feelings on this. Mrs. Edge and I have always agreed that she should have 100% control, so we never had a point system, dice games, XX number of days, etc., because all of those things removed or mitigated her control. That said, Mrs. Edge, herself, discovered that she liked having 100% of the control, so what we did worked for us.

I do understand that some women don’t care about the control, or would prefer not to have to deal with a partner that is whining or complaining. Using a random number, like a dart toss or a dice roll removes some of the responsibility, so she can tell her partner “Hey, don’t be mad at me, you rolled a double 6, remember?”

An aside: Mrs. Edge often left her key at work, but that was so she, herself, wouldn’t be tempted to use it. Sometimes she set a time period in her own mind (I was never told how long it would be), and she found it easier to leave her key inaccessible so she wouldn’t have to break her own promise to herself. Women are weird.

Lady M: A woman can also handle it in another way that isn’t usually brought up because it seems to be a more vanilla, not so dominant way of doing things.  Sometimes, giving a chaste guy more attention (especially in the beginning) helps, even praising while teasing. Saying things like “You’re doing so good handling my teasing” or “Only  a few more days to go, I’m really proud of you.”

Tom Allen: I don’t think that this is just a vanilla approach. In fact, since I never knew how long she expected me to hold out for, I found it helpful for her to suggest things like “You’re doing really well, you can hold out another week for me, can’t you? Come on, just one more week?” With that approach, she used to keep me going for months at a time.

Lady M: Although I am super lucky that I don’t have to deal with these situations too often, as I have a pretty obedient subby hubby. He understands he’s given up control… but nothing’s perfect and it does happen in even the best situations. I tend to deal with the crabbies in a mix of these ways and can do the hardass “too bad, deal with it” thing as well as the “awww poor baby” thing and it seems to get us through well enough. I like to think I’m pretty strong and stubborn and my dominance is built in deep.

Tom Allen: People, and their relationships, are so variable that there probably isn’t one thing that will work better, or even consistently. I’ve always cautioned men who are new to chastity devices to approach things slowly, and to give themselves time to adjust to wearing a device; it can often take weeks before your body adapts to 24/7 wear. I guess that I should also caution them that it may take quite some time to adapt to the emotional fluctuations that they will likely experience.

My suggestion to women who find themselves in this situation is to not believe your partner if he asks for a lengthy period of lock up, unless he has been working himself up to it for weeks or months. And if you already are holding your partner’s key, and he reacts negatively, try not to react out of anger. Instead, try to understand that he has not developed the coping skills to handle long periods of denial, and that he will need your help in learning to see the changes he’s going through. Ask him if he’s sure that he wants the key back, or if he can wait one more day. Just a day, and then you’ll check in with him again. Some men will take the key, and then feel embarrassed later at their lack of resolve. Others will probably take the key once, and then the next time remember how they felt, and try to hold off for a little longer. And some will manage to calm themselves down once they realize that they can, if they needed, have you remove the device.

I know that this sounds like a lot of work on the part of the (probably reluctant) keyholder. It probably will be, at first, but the payoff is that once your partner realizes just how much work you were willing to do in order to make him happy, he will be willing to return the effort to show his appreciation. Once he learns how to cope, that is

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8 responses to “He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen)

  1. My advice would be to try it out on your own for while. That way, once you have the fit down, what you need to do to be comfortable and clean, you’ll be READY to be denied for long periods of time. It seems to me unlikely that anyone can go from a lifetime of free access to their junk and then overnight be locked up with no previous experience with chastity. That just won’t work.

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  2. Pingback: He Said, She Said | Minxy & caged

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  5. Really excellent piece! You guys nailed the real life issues we all face in the beginning. We took the slow approach to denial. Over the last 6 months the longest I have waited is 12 days. It’s been a learning experience! Mrs. Lion is basically a vanilla woman and she is still discovering how to integrate my chastity into her life. I realistically think it will take another six months before we settle in to a smooth pattern where she is comfortable with her control and I fully master the feelings denial generate in me.

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  6. Reblogged this on The Edge of Vanilla and commented:
    For as long as I’ve been reading about chastity play, I’ve run across the complaints from women who don’t know what to do with their partners once they are finally wearing a device. In the past, I’ve written a lot about how it’s important to give your body time to adapt to wearing a chastity device. Now I see that it’s just as important to give yourself time to adjust emotionally.

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